A true story about a ridiculous human

 I was told that today was World Suicide Prevention Day and I guess it's as good a time as any to write about my least favorite subject some days: me. 

Let me be up front: I have suicidal ideation. It's always going to be with me, but I can at least talk about it.

In grammar school, it was the first time I tried to take my life. My personal life was in shambles; my parents were at odds with one another with me stuck in the middle. I had a lot of thoughts I couldn't process..but all I knew is I couldn't take it anymore. 

I left a note and it was found by a teacher. All it did was just get me yelled at by the faculty and my parents. They never asked why I felt hopeless enough to try it...but all they felt was shame. Great start for me trusting adults.

The family situation didn't get any better during that time. Both sides of the family were in a cold war sort of situation and it just made me feel worse. I counted 9 times I've tried. And I failed each time. 

I actually felt like a failure for not even getting that right. So..that generated my mantra for living currently: spite. 

I decided to just keep going to at least hope against hope that I'd get the love I felt I deserved. (Good spoiler: I'm getting that now).

After my last failure, I kept seeing things popping up...specifically pictures of phoenixes. A phoenix is known for dying and being reborn. So I guess that resonated with me, but it didn't become overt till later. 

Kinda late in the game to mention this, but I do art. And a little on down the line, I co opted the idea of a phoenix into my work. It's a reminder for me to keep living. No matter how bad shit may get, how much my mind will tell me I'm useless and I'm a burden...I persist. Just to spite my mind. I'm glad that I've proved myself wrong for years and I plan to continue to prove myself wrong. 

I'm surrounded by friends that love me and I have a partner that treats me with the love I felt I deserved. I wouldn't have known this if I succeeded. So maybe.. it's not bad being a failure.